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Ultimate Bad Ass: Quarterfinals - Chuck Norris bracket

Started by Mike Olbinski · 10 months ago

Let the embarrassment sink in Chuck…it’s going to be awhile before you brush this off.
Last week in Round 2 of Ultimate Bad Ass, the Chuck Norris bracket featured Norris against Han Solo, while Jason Bourne took on John Rambo.
Bourne easily dispatched the older, ... Continue reading »

27 comments

  • Jason

    1 year ago

    Han Solo sits at a table in the Mos Eisley awaiting his matchup with the famed Jason Bourne. Having beaten the heavily favored Chuck Norris in the bracket named for him, Solo has won the right to pick the location of this last duel before the finals. Solo has chosen Mos Eisley, a wretched dive of scum and villainy - a place where Solo feels at home - because he knows Bourne will stick out like a sore thumb. Solo is ready for him. His blaster is already drawn under the table, Solo's finger is on the trigger. Greedo met his fate in this very bar. Solo chuckles to himself as he thinks about how he will get the drop on Bourne just as he did Greedo. Some may find this sort of fighting "unfair," but this is, after all, the Quarterfinals of the Ultimate Bad Ass Competition. One can never be too careful. That thought brings to mind another time when Solo was smuggling guns from...

    Unfortunately, that was the last thought Solo ever had.

    While he was doing all the thinking, Jason Bourne snuck up behind him and put a knife through the back of his neck, severing his spinal cord and killing him instantly. Han Solo's body leaned forward against the table. Jason Bourne was nowhere to be seen.

    Due to the stealthy nature of the attack, officials had to watch video footage to make a ruling that it was, in fact, Jason Bourne who had killed Han Solo. Video footage, when slowed down, confirmed the kill. Chewbacca, Han Solo's presumed lookout, was later found tied down in an alley way - his body hair completely shaven.

    Jason Bourne wins.
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    LOL, body hair completly shaven.... I think though its hive not dive... classic Jason... :)
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    I picked Bourne - but this is a pretty close match up...

    I think it is going to end up being Bourne v. Bauer...that might be an interesting final.

    So far this has been pretty good.

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Also very surprised Chuck is not here, who else can get the boogey-man to check under his bed for Chuck Norris? I picked Bourne in this as well, the killer match-up so to speak, would be the battle of the JB's (Jack Bauer vs Jason Bourne)... have to wait and see if thats what happens
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    Solo could only win if his blaster worked, but since Bourne disassembled it, he is officially SOL. Bourne wins in a landslide.
    reply
  • Robert

    1 year ago

    Han Solo vs. Chuck Norris was a travesty. FWIW, there are only 2 non-Jedi badasses in the Star Wars films - Boba Fett (Boba Fett? Where? ;) ) and Darth Maul. Han's a smuggler, not a fighter. For that reason, I have to disagree that Solo vs. Bourne is a good match up. Part of the issue is that people voting for Solo are voting based on one of two things: popularity, as he is most certainly a likable rogue, or the Greedo incident. The Greedo incident is the ONE time he did anything remotely badasslike, however this fact must be viewed in light of the fact that Greedo was an idiotic n00b, and pretty much anyone with half a brain could have wiped the floor with him. So in the end, the one thing he did wasn't even really bad ass.
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Han Solo bagged the Princess...he's bad ass in my book :)
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    She needed a bag...
    reply
  • Jason

    1 year ago

    @Robert - Which is why, when Solo tried the same trick on Bourne, he got a knife to the back of the neck...and Chewbacca, sadly, was shaved... Just not bad ass enough to face Bourne.
    reply
  • Robert

    1 year ago

    Apparently at the time she didn't need a bag, just a baggie...
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    @Robert LOL :D
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    @ Cap'n "she needed a bag" - rotfl - hilarious.

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Well I guess in honor of Chuck not moving on in his own bracket, we need to have this reminder about the greatness of ole Chuck....

    http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Bourne is cleaning the floor with Chuck. Guess that's what he gets for being so short all the time.

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Do you mean w/ Han Solo?
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    D'oh!

    Bourne is making the sound of one Han slapping...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    LOL, is that blaster fire I hear in the background? :)
    reply
  • Ana

    1 year ago

    Chewy was shaved! LOL! Oh my God I just about peed in my pants imagining him with no hair. I bet he'd look like a Chihuahua.
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    He's probably like that bugs bunny orange hair monster, with just two eyes and gloves you see, if they shaved him there wouldnt be anything there....
    reply
  • erad68315

    1 year ago

    Ladies, please tell me that this contest included Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson. If not, I call FARCE!!! Either of them would have destroyed Bourne via the Ultimate Glare of Bad Ass Doom-faster than Bourne, or light itself. If that didn't cut it out/off and feed it to him, it would have been the gravelly yet quiet storms of their Bad Ass voices-like Bene Gesserit(sp?) witches, bitches. Of course, if they had faced eachother, it would have simply cancelled out and created a massive black hole in the bad-ass universe...I'm so gonna have nightmares tonight-Bad Ass Nightmares.
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    @ Cap'n - I don't hear LL Cool J rappin' "Mama said knock you out" quite yet, but anything can happen.
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    @ Erad, interesting names, but just a bit too old to fight.

    Maybe next time we'll do "Ultimate Geezer" to see who wins that.

    Steve McQueen, Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Charles Bronson...etc.

    :)
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    Agree with Mike, but Bronson was certainly a bad ass back in his day.
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Testing something here :)
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Testing this new Gravatar plugin

    Mikes last blog post..Adding co-authors to MyBlogLog sites is now working
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Erad68315... that sounds like a prison #... Marvin wasnt a bad ass, in fact theres a reason hes dead already... Bronson would have been a good choice...but taking Bourne or Bauer or hell even Captain Kirk... no prayer...
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    @Kory, oh thx bud, now I'm singin that song ...doh!
    reply

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