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Ultimate Bad Ass: Quarterfinals - Jack Bauer Bracket

Started by Mike Olbinski · 10 months ago

While Jack Bauer skated by with a 25-8 victory over Dirty Harry, the second matchup from last week's Jack Bauer Bracket was a heck of a lot closer and came down to a single vote. ... Continue reading »

31 comments

  • Jason

    1 year ago

    The two proven warriors meet face to face on a barren, deserted planet, free from any outside distractions (other than the two women who are with Capt. Kirk) or interferences.

    Bauer, with little patience, speaks first.

    "My name is Jack Bauer, and this is about to be the shortest day of your life."

    "Let's take it. Easy. Mr. Bauer. There's no reason. To be. In a hurry. We're badasses. At the top. Of the bracket."

    In one swift motion, Jack grabs the girl on Kirk's right arm, spins her around and breaks her neck, killing her instantly. He then pulls out his gun and fires one shot, hitting the girl on Kirk's left arm squarely between the eyes. She falls dead.

    "Let's get one thing straight, Captian," Bauer begins in his trademark breathless whisper. "The only reason you're still alive is because there's something I want to know before I kill you...and Star Trek is a damn fine show."

    Kirk now realizes the seriousness of the situation. Too late he moves to use the "Jim-Kirk" double fisted hammer move on Jack. Jack has already anticipated this. He grabs Captain Kirk, breaks the hammer fist and then breaks both his thumbs...with one hand.

    "Let's. Just. Calm. Down. And think. This through," Kirk suggests slowly.

    "The time for thinking is over," Bauer shouts. "I have killed two people since midnight. I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now."

    "What is it. That you. Want to know. Mr. Bauer?" Kirk asks.

    "I want to know who's going to give me back the money I spent watching Star Trek: Generations"

    "What?" Kirk is confused. Jack moves quickly and grabs Kirk in a half nelson like hold putting almost enough pressure on Kirk's arm to break it.

    "Are you going to tell me what I want to know, or am I going to have to start hurting you," Jack asks.

    "Actually. You're. Hurting. Me. Now." Kirk responds through clinched teeth.

    "Trust me, I'm not." Jack replies. With a quick twist, he shows Kirk what pain really feels like by dislocating both of Kirk's shoulders and breaking both of his elbows at the same time.

    "IT. WAS. A. GOOD. MOVIE!" Kirk screams.

    Now Jack is pissed off.

    "Say hello to Harry for me." Jack pushes Kirk to the ground and unloads his gun into the back of his head. Slowly he reaches to the ground and takes something from Kirks pocket. A few quick beeps can be heard as Jack activates the device. "One to beam up, Scotty."

    Jack wins.
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    LOLOLOLOL omg Jason....“My name is Jack Bauer, and this is about to be the shortest day of your life.� LOLOL Way too funny... how can you possibly disagree with this write-up?!?! Sorry to my fellow Capn, but Bauer wins this...
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  • Ana

    1 year ago

    Nice! :)

    Who voted for Kirk???
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  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Probably yeoman Rand...
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  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Awesome Jason :) "Money back for Star Trek: Generations" ROTFL!
    reply
  • jina

    1 year ago

    This isn't even a competition... Bauer wins every day of the week.
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  • Kory

    1 year ago

    Bauer all the way. Love it that someone gave Kirk a sympathy vote!
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Bauer all the way in this one - I don't think Kirk will be any competition.
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  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    I agree with Ape... but who woulda thought Kirk could take the Commando?!!?!?
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Of course you agree with me - it's nearly inevitable. :)

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    Wow, Kirk has doubled up his votes. Impressive!
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    JB vs JK LOL @Kory, he doubled them alright, he could double them 6 more times and then it would be tied....
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  • Robert

    1 year ago

    Your math...it is very bad.
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  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Your abacuss might be broke...
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    @ Cap'n - I hope you don't kiss your mom with that mouth...for shame! :)
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    LOL.... I apologize, this is a somewhat pg-13 site too....my bad...
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    lol - too funny man.

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Did the Capn edit something, because I don't see anything PG-13 or worse? :)
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    LOL... its a joke bud...Ape is making us smile early on a Tuesday morning...
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    @ Mike - nothing was edited or changed by Cap'n. If I got to explain it to you then it's no longer funny. :)

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Well, it probably WAS funny, but I'm on a NyQuil hangover here and my brain is at about 47% functionality right now.
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  • Kory

    1 year ago

    47%...Isn't that better than most days?
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Mike is suffering from 53% packet loss...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    53% packet loss and some serious lag
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Sorry bro - hope you get to feeling better soon.

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    I'm not sick really, just did about 3 hours of yard work yesterday in the sun, so my allergies are flaring up.
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    sounds like you have too much flair...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Rick Flair!!
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    aka The Nature Boy!
    reply
  • Robert

    1 year ago

    WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    PS - Cap'n - you might want to look into "doubling" vs. simply adding an extra vote, then you will probably see what I was saying. ;)
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    @Robert if I have to spend energy explaining this....
    first off you have to pretend I can type... that means all words are spelled correctly, and all meanings are understood, even if I'm not clear on them. I intended to clarify doubling as it was listed by 2 at the point it was at, not doubling the number it gets to each time.... i got what you were saying, I'm just trying to avoid me saying I didnt mean doubling cause that would imply I was wrong, and frankly, that just cant happen :P
    reply

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