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Ultimate Bad Ass: Quarterfinals - Women’s Bracket

Started by Mike Olbinski · 10 months ago

We almost had another crisis on our hands with the Women's Bracket in our Ultimate Bad Ass contest. It seems the girls are a lot tougher than the guys and their duels go down to the friggin' wire.

With the voting ending at 7:30pm last night, I noticed at 5:00pm that both matchup ... Continue reading »

32 comments

  • Jason

    1 year ago

    The two battle hardened women face one another then slowly begin to circle, never once taking their eyes off their opponent. The Bride speaks first.

    "You must be Lara Croft."

    "And you must be Black Mamba," Lara responds in Japanese.

    "Our reputations precede us."

    "Don't they?" Lara replies. "I had two movies."

    "So did I." the Bride responds.

    "But yours was really only one that was too long to play in modern multiplexes so the director cut it into two films to avoid having to trim the self-glorifying content down to a realistic level that audiences could embrace in one sitting." Lara says coldly.

    "You B___ch!" the Bride yells. And the battle begins.

    The Bride pulls her Hanzo sword and charges, but Lara Croft is too quick and easily leaps out of the way, drawing both her pistols and firing at The Bride at the same time. The Bride is struck in the leg, but she barely notices. Like a Jedi knight she is able to deflect Crofts bullets with her sword as she moves ever closer.

    Just as The Bride is within arms length of Lara, her sword absords the impact of one too many bullets and splits in half. Lara, thinking she has the upper hand smiles slyly then points her weapons at the Bride and pulls both triggers. Click. Click. Nothing happens. She is out of the bullets.

    It is now hand to hand combat. CAT FIGHT!

    The women punch and scream and pull each other's hair. Clothing is ripped and the women begin open handed slapping each other. Bystanders and Bad Ass Contest officials begin dousing the women in exotic oils. A crew from Girls Gone Wild shows up and begins filming "Girls Gone Wild: Bad Ass Broads Brawl Vol 1."

    Then, suddenly, The Bride has had enough. Summoning the last of her strength she uses the five-point palm - exploding heart technique on Lara Croft. Croft's heart stops and she falls to the ground dead. The Bride wins.
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  • Mike

    1 year ago

    ROTFL! Hilarious :)

    Cat Fight!
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Cat Fight! - LOL

    the Bride takes this one for sure...

    Hey Mike - another bracket idea - American Idol contestants. I'd give a large sum of money to see Sanjaya and David Archuleta in a fight...
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  • Mike

    1 year ago

    OMG, hilarious Ape :)

    We could do one that's like the B-list, or even C-list, of reality show contestants.

    Tila Tequila, Kardasian, Sanjaya, etc...
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    I was thinking just limiting it to AI contestants because most of the seeding work is already done for you (based on when they exited) - but having other reality peeps on there would be pretty funny as well.

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
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  • Mike

    1 year ago

    I guess we could do that, but do you mean like ALL AI contestants, good or bad?

    Interesting.
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  • Kory

    1 year ago

    @ Jason - another classic post! Nothing like a good old cat fight!
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    @Jason, you continue to surpass your previous battle scenes...

    @Mo... I wouldnt go around bragging about this..."(on a side note, I think it’s definitely been proven I know not a THING about women)" and yet somehow, Jina stays with you!!! Is she great or what!!

    I'll go against the grain, Lara wins this matchup
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  • jina

    1 year ago

    Mike: I think it’s definitely been proven I know not a THING about women

    Jina: No comment
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    @ Mike - couldn't you imagine Frenchie Davis v. "Soul Patrol"?

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
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  • Jason

    1 year ago

    @Cap'n - What? No way Lara wins this. Once they get naked and the oil gets involved her boobs sooooo get in the way...
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  • jina

    1 year ago

    If I had a nickel for every time Angelina Jolie's boobs got in the way of a good fake cat fight. Jason, you speak the truth!
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    @Jason are you kidding me!?!? Its actually why Lara wins, she has two more weapons then the bride has, the bride has none, Lara can actually arm hers, and its easy to picture hers firing a trigger!
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  • Ana

    1 year ago

    How did I know Jason's rendition would have naked boobies and oil? Sounds like our Honeymoon. ;)
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    It does? Did Jason oil up his man-boobs?
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  • Ana

    1 year ago

    How did you know?!
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Perhaps I've said too much...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    OMG... I ABOUT SHOT WATER THROUGH MY NOSE... LOLOLOLOLOL Ana, and Ape...
    reply
  • Jason

    1 year ago

    @Ape - You've said too much!?
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    @ Jason - said too much? more like seen too much - lol

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • jina

    1 year ago

    I am going to close my eyes and shake my head to and forth and try to dislodge this conversation from my memory forever... "boobies"... "oil"... shoot, it's not working.
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    It's like a slippery slope - once you start down that path, there is no turning back...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Well, oil is slippery ya know... and as far as a slope, theres nothing quite like a nice set of... ah nevermind
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  • AnaDVR

    1 year ago

    Jason started it. :)
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    Wow...i am trying to figure where exactly this post took a wrong turn.
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    It was that wrong turn in Albuquerque..
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    You are probably right about that because Albuquerque is where I grew up!

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    being right.... its a curse... :)
    reply
  • Ana

    1 year ago

    I love it!
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Woo hoo 3 votes for Lara... here comes the come back of the century!!! Kinda like the Suns against the Spurs... oh, wait a minute...
    reply
  • nicky

    1 year ago

    lol you guys. i love your fight scene jason, except girls gone wild probably wouldn't show. i think these two might be a little old for them...meaning not under 18. but jerry springer would definitely be there!

    nickys last blog post..Temporary Hiatus.
    reply

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