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Ultimate Bad Ass: Semifinals Game 1

Started by Mike Olbinski · 10 months ago

Well, we're down to the Final Four contestants in Ultimate Bad Ass.

It's been a long road, but a satisfying one. I think at this point the only major surprise is that Chuck Norris failed to make it far, and that Ripley was eliminated early as well.

Now it's time for ... Continue reading »

37 comments

  • Scotty Dub

    1 year ago

    Had to go with Bourne on this one, but it was agonizing.

    Scotty Dubs last blog post..Casual Dress Friday; Mr Mom
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  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Agreed Scotty.
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    Rolling with Bourne as well. It's a shame these two were on the same side of the bracket.
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Word for Word what Scotty said.... except the last blog part...
    reply
  • Robert

    1 year ago

    It's not going too well for Jack...
    reply
  • AnaDVR

    1 year ago

    I'm the only one who voted for Jack so far?! Come on people!
    reply
  • Jason

    1 year ago

    Normally, I would write a battle scene between the two opposing warriors in this round of the Ultimate Bad Ass contest that would detail how I think a battle between the two might go culminating in a victory by the person I intend to vote for.

    Unfortunately, for the battle between Jack Bauer and Jason Bourne I lack the writing skills necessary to convey the true and complete awesomeness that such a battle scene would entail. Therefore, I will not insult either of the competitors with the disservice of an inferior battle scene.

    However, despite the fact that both men are incredibly cool and can certainly be considered "Bad Asses," I feel that one of the two men is, in fact, more of an actual "Bad Ass" than the other man. I feel that this man is Jack Bauer.

    In support of my statement I offer the following:

    Jason Bourne is a formidable opponent for sure. He's a trained CIA assasin capable of killing others and defending himself with whatever happens to be around him including a book (Bourne Ultimatum), a pen (Bourne Identity), a magazine, electrical cord, and a bottle of vodka (Bourne Supremacy). However, he also took three movies, spanning months or years, to solve the biggest problem plaguing him. For much of that time he didn't even know who or what he was. He has skills but he's not even sure what he's capable of.

    Jack Bauer, however, knows exactly what he's capable of - anything. Jack can solve any problem or world crises in under 24 hours - without sleep. Jack once let himself get addicted to drugs just so he could infiltrate a drug cartel. Jack has shot and killed an ex-lover, his boss (who he shot in the head execution style), a fellow employee of CTU, and tortured his own brother for the betterment of the country. He's also killed and cut off someone's head just to help him get some information. Jack willingly throws himself at certain death on a daily basis.

    You might also consider these facts when considering whether or not Jack Bauer is the Ultimate Bad Ass of all:

    1. Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

    2. When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

    3. Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.

    4. On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

    5. When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate (might even be Jason Bourne). When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

    6. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

    7. Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.

    8. Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.

    9. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

    10. Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

    11. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

    12. Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

    13. The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

    14. The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.

    15. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

    16. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    17. If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

    18. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

    19. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    20. Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence.

    In conclusion, Jack Bauer IS the Ultimate Bad Ass. Maybe someday, if Jason Bourne will learn to react more and think less he will become the Ultimate Bad Ass. Until then, the vote must go to Jack.
    reply
  • Robert

    1 year ago

    On behalf of Chuck Norris, I strenuously object to your shameless Gimmick Infringement, and insist that you cease and desist immediately.

    I would also point out that the Bourne movies have actually done him a great disservice by not portraying him as in the books. He finds out who he is in the first book.

    I would also point out that he travels the world in rapid succession on his missions for weeks on end, where Jack Bauer is washed up AFTER A SINGLE DAY. The man has no stamina.
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Jason, that was real nice and all, but Bourne is going to win :)
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  • jina

    1 year ago

    Although I do have to say that when Jack Bauer's slutty daughter or live-in girlfriend of the season or train wreck brother shows up, he turns into a pile of goo... Jason Bourne, no messy attachments.
    reply
  • Jason

    1 year ago

    No messy attachments? What about the chick he fell in love with that got killed? He was ready to settle down with her. Sissy.
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  • Mike

    1 year ago

    Yeah, but did he cry over it? No.
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  • R.A. Porter

    1 year ago

    Cry over it? No. He killed over it.

    The only way Jack Bauer could win this fight is if Jason Bourne didn't see the little munchkin walk up to him. But Jason Bourne doesn't *need* to see. He'd hear Bauer's approach and end the fight then and there.

    R.A. Porters last blog post..Anti-social networking
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Bourne - all the way...
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  • Jason

    1 year ago

    Traitors! All of you!
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    I'm highly surprised Mo didnt vote for Jack...
    reply
  • Scotty Dub

    1 year ago

    If I could vote twice and technically, I could, I would vote for Jack based on Jason's points above...awesome!

    Scotty Dubs last blog post..Casual Dress Friday; Mr Mom
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    @ Jason - the only problem with your list above is that Jack Bauer still requires 24 hours to solve a crises. You would think that after 6 days of that, he would have figured out a faster way to deal with those kinds of issues. Jack doesn't know Jack and therefore Jason wins...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
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  • Raven Spinner

    1 year ago

    "Jack doesn't know Jack...." LOL! Too funny! Ape: I voted for Jason too. ;)

    Raven Spinners last blog post..My Alternatives to Plastic!
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  • Jason

    1 year ago

    I can't help but feel that if Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer were to meet, Jason would be all like "who am I?" and Jack would be like, "nobody" BAM! And shoot him in the head. Game over.

    Jack doesn't take time to worry about petty things like who he is or who he was.
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Jack Bauer...phew, there's one Bourne every minute!

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    15-4! looks like Bourne opened a can of whip ass on jack.
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Looks like Bourne might end up the Ultimate Bad Ass while Bauer is just the Ultimate Jack Ass...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Jason

    1 year ago

    Let's not get carried away here. I still have administrator access...this whole contest could end up on the wrong side of a serious malfunction if you know what I mean...

    Yeah, I'm pouting...
    reply
  • AnaDVR

    1 year ago

    You went too far, Ape. Too far!
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    C'mon Ana - that was a little funny! :)

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • AnaDVR

    1 year ago

    I'm not laughing. Bauer is the man! No one should say otherwise. :)
    reply
  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    Unless he is wearing a dress, then he is something else...

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • Cap'n Schwartz

    1 year ago

    Prison bait?
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  • The Trousered Ape

    1 year ago

    no - that's Jason Baitman... :)

    The Trousered Apes last blog post..Who was Jesus of Nazareth? Parts 5 thru 10 of 10 with Dr. Craig
    reply
  • R.A. Porter

    1 year ago

    @AnaDVR, let's not forget Kiefer was one of the Lost Boys. Emo before emo was...well, not cool...what's emo? Annoying?

    @Jason, using admin access to win this for Jack would just be wrong. What you need to do is find Jeremy Goodwin and see if he can't rig it so Jack gets thousands of votes an hour.

    R.A. Porters last blog post..Anti-social networking
    reply
  • AnaDVR

    1 year ago

    Let's not forget "Stuck on You."
    reply
  • nicky

    1 year ago

    true, but according to imdb, Jack was in "The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration."
    so not cool.

    nickys last blog post..Temporary Hiatus.
    reply
  • AnaDVR

    1 year ago

    I'll have you know that "The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration" was VERY cool. :) You should rent it.
    reply
  • Mike

    1 year ago

    How on Earth are there TEN Land Before Times???
    reply
  • AnaDVR

    1 year ago

    They had to keep making them until Keifer decided to play a part. :)
    reply
  • Kory

    1 year ago

    the clock is ticking. Bauer might want to starting thinking about staging a rally because right now he is getting his ass kicked.
    reply

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